It has been a long time since i posted. It wasn't because of time constraints but because I was doing some soul searching before I had the confidence to share my thoughts. I have a hunch that nobody would ever read this post, but I'm fine with that. Life is not measured by your peers but your own self. But for those who actually read this post, please keep it to your discretion. I don't need to be reminded on the pain I feel.
Let's tell a story then.
A long time ago, there was a boy, he lived life as he was told to, not too outstanding not too mundane. He was a boy who knew nothing of hate. Sure there were some people he disliked, but he ignored these emotions and kept to himself. How can anyone know hate when he doesn't know love?
This boy had many friends, he liked their company and all, but in front of them he had to put on a facade, a mask never letting anyone know how he truly felt. He lived multiple lives, a rowdy and random one in front of some of his peers and a silent and composed life in front of others. But all were the same, they were not real. Few if not none of his peers knew about this.
One day, this boy met a girl. It was an ordinary encounter, nothing memorable. Due to some circumstances, they met quite often. After a while, they became closer and went out together with friends on a weekly basis. They were, if I dare say, good friends.
One day, the boy's best friend asked him: Do you like her? The boy answered: she's just a good friend. But when he went home, he thought of it again and again. Did he love her? He wanted to be by her side, he wanted to hear her speak, he wanted to see her smile, but did that mean he loved her? He pondered long and hard. Maybe he did love her.
As time went by, the two of them changed from good friends to close friends. He would often text message her, his heart always smiled when he received her reply. But he still hadn't found the answer. Perhaps, all he felt for her was a sort of brotherly love. but he was satisfied. Even if he couldn't confirm his feelings, it hardly mattered. He was spending time with her, and that was the most important to him. He felt he couldn't tell her how he felt as he believed she did not deserve love from a person who can't even recognize his own feelings.
The time spent together was happy but short. Like all meetings, there has to be a parting. Both boy and girl went to different schools and they hardly ever saw each other again. The boy missed her terribly, but he knew he had to move on.
One night, the boy had a dream. The dream was so real, there were no fantasy creatures or lizards from outer space. He dreamed he was walking in a shopping mall when he met the girl. She was walking hand in hand with a guy. He never felt so crushed in his life. The girl introduced her boyfriend to him. The boy felt so sad, but his face only showed an acknowledging smile. He walked away.
When the boy woke up, he found tears on his cheeks. Then he understood. No matter how much he deceived himself, he loved her, but he understood it too late. Tears trickled from his unwilling eyes. The first person he hated, was himself. It was time to move on.

Labels: I'm sorry